“I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a doctor.”

“If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.”

“I’m wearing shoes made of sea foam, and I am here to seduce the elderly. If you brought the geriatrics, then I brought the jellyfish.”

“I asked my doctor for the best gift ever: Life. Still, he wouldn’t take one for me.”

“I’m looking for a girlfriend. That’s why I brought binoculars.”

“Participation trophies are junk. If all you have to do is show up, how worthless are they? Unless you’re invisible and deaf, and then one of those trophies would be meaningful, because simply showing up is exactly what is hard for you to do.”

“I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already dead.”