“I could do more pull-ups with a midget on my back, than a midget could do with me on his back. This makes me the superior land animal.”

“I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks to melt so I could drink it and leave, but it was like my ex wife’s heart—it was just too frigid to melt. So I called up a midget, buckled myself in on his back, and had him give me a ride home. Ah, but that’s life, no?”

“I am the leprechaun I rainbow into being. Buy me a beer, and get to know my inner midget.”

“The house I grew up in is one of a kind. It’s a bibliophile’s fantasy, and if the Library of Congress had a little brother who was a midget, you could find him residing in my parents’ house.”

“The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.
”

“The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.”

“Before bed I do a bit of light reading. I’m reading a 50-pound book on midgets.”