“I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.
”

“I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.”

“I am possibly the world's greatest magician, because I don't just vanish off stage, I vanish from your memory. I'll bet you're probably thinking, "I don't remember seeing you," or "I've never seen you." And that just goes to show you how good I am.”

“Instead of putting a Band Aid on your cut finger, why not just amputate at the elbow? See, I’m a problem solver. I should go into politics.”

“Day or night, I can’t see the wind. But at night, it feels like I can see it even less. What’s less visible than invisible?
”

“Sunday nights I get about two inches of sleep. But I make do, because that’s all the erection I can muster.”

“I eat fog soup (out of a can). You don’t think I make it fresh, do you? You don’t need a spoon or straw to enjoy it—you need a pipe to inhale it.”