“I didn’t chug the hairspray because I’m an alcoholic. I drank it to style my throat hairs.”

“I’m 32 years old and I’m tired. It’s because I haven’t drank enough coffee. If I had, I’d probably only be 29.”

“I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.”

“I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.”

“I lean on my friends for support. It’s better than leaning on a crutch, because your friends won’t accuse you of chugging down all the water out of the goldfish bowl. My friends know I have a drinking problem.”

“My coffee cup didn’t come with a sleeve, but that’s OK, because I’m wearing a tank top.”

“I didn’t list listening as one of my skills, probably because I didn’t hear what the interviewer asked.”