“I don’t believe in the zodiac. Whenever anybody asks me what my sign is, I always say “Yield.”

“When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.”

“The sign said don’t do it, so naturally I did it. Signs are always saying stuff in a silent way.
 Writing is a way to say something in a silent way.”

“-I have this friend—you don’t know him—but—
-Is his name Molloway?
-No.
-Oh. I don’t know anybody named Molloway, so that’s why I was asking.”

“If you ask me to describe what I look like, I’ll simply say, “I look like my clone.”

“She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is invisible.”

“Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?”