“I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.”

“I don’t shower because water is the most corrosive element. Ever seen what it does to rock? I want a chiseled body, but I don’t want it to look like the Grand Canyon.”

“The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you.”

“Boil your drinking water, and drink the water surrounding you in your bathtub.”

“I want my writing to be as smooth as drinking a glass of water—pool water, with piss in it.”

“I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the funniest drink ever.”

“Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I’m suddenly thirsty?”