“I don’t encourage chaos to initiate a revolution. The only reason to revolt is because the people find the government revolting.”

“A volt is a measure of power, and the same can be said when people revolt.”

“Newt Gingrich, buddy, the people of the United States don’t like you. And the only reason the rest of the world doesn’t despise you is because they don’t know you. Thankfully you won’t have to experience that global derision, as you have reached the pinnacle of your career as a crook—I mean politician.”

“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.
”

“Don’t bother calling the cops, because nobody can find me here. I know, because after all these years, I’m still trying to find myself.”

“When people say they don’t read, I always wonder if they don’t because they can’t or because they won’t. Then I think, what’s the difference? Either way they are ignorant.”

“I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.”