“I don’t have a blue-collar job. It’s more of a green collar, because of all the yellow sweat stains mixing in.”

“My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.”

“If there are #coffee stains on my @Harvard application, it’s because I was up all night Photoshopping a high school diploma. Please accept my apology, and please accept me.”

“Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up.”

“Should I masturbate before we meet up? I don’t want to be horny and thinking with my dick the whole time. I mean, it’s not like it’s a date. For Pete’s sake, it’s a job interview.”

“My hush is lush. It’s drunk on its own greenness, just as I’m drunk on my blue silence. What would you say if I asked you to turquoise?”

“It’s not that I don’t have the drive to succeed, but rather I don’t have the gas.”