“I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already dead.”

“If you’re wrestling someone underwater, don’t try to choke them, because it’s redundant since they already can’t breathe.”

“If you’re thinking about killing someone, don’t. Not don’t kill them, but don’t think about it—just do it already.”

“Don’t be jealous if I spend 50% of my time with you, and 50% of my time with others, because you get 100% of 50%, while all the others have to share that other 50%.” This is the speech I’ve prepared to tell my wife in the future, when I’m spending a majority minus one percent of my time with my clones.”

“I’m glad I don’t have any foreskin, because at a nude beach I’d feel overdressed. (It’d be the only time I could feel overdressed by showing too much skin).”

“I’m not a murderer, though I have killed off billions of alternate me’s. They don’t exist because of me and my actions. Would they have done things differently? Yes, but they’re not me—and yet they are.
”

“I’m a door-to-door salesman. I sell doors. If I can’t knock on yours, because you don’t have a door to knock on, I know you’ll be interested in what I’m selling.”