“I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of my eyebrows, which I shaved off and donated to charity. I’m just a generous, kind-hearted guy, I guess.”

“I’m like Twain, Nietzsche, and Dali in that I have three mustaches. (I have two of them disguised as eyebrows). Women love men like me, like my clones.”

“I shaved my lady mustache (ladystache) off with my roommate's gay razor (it's a gay razor because it's his razor and he's gay) and now I have man-stubble on my upper lip. Then to make it just a tiny bit sexier I broke out where I shaved. So now I have an acne mustache. I should have left it alone. Like I do with the beard. The Korean ladies at the nail place were right. "You too much hair. You do mustache and arms and chin and back and neck. Please. Too much hair, lady-man.”

“Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.”

“Just because you donate sperm does not make you a father. I don’t have a father. I would never give him the credit or acknowledge him as my father.”

“Yeah, Jame. I don’t have a woman. I am sure as fuck not taking a guy. You can be my date.” Matt answered. “Oh, because I’m not a woman, or a guy.”