“I don’t like chili, unless I’m wearing a jacket.”

“Unless I’m at a wedding, I don’t like veiled threats.”

“My cup is empty. I don’t think I’m wearing it in the right spot.”

“Writing is hard, but I don’t want to kill myself trying to write. Not unless I’m writing a suicide note.”

“The way the crotch of my jeans are constructed makes it look like I have an erection when I don’t. That’s why I wear Spandex—so the whole world can see exactly when I’m stiff.”

“Don’t kiss in public, unless it’s midnight and you’re both wearing black so nobody can see you’re naked.
”

“My eyes change color depending on my mood and what I’m wearing. If I’m wearing an acorn brown shirt, my eyes look like squirrel fur. And if I’m wearing no shirt at all, my eyes look more nude and flesh-colored. I guess my ex girlfriend, Zelda, said it best when her friend asked her what I look like and she said: “He looks like you’d imagine him to look like, if you had no imagination.”