“I don’t like salad dressing. I prefer salad undressing. I’m a health freak. And I do mean freak.”

“My favorite salad dressing is vodka. And my favorite ice cream flavor is coffee, though I prefer it melted and hot enough to burn flesh.”

“Of course, if I had misbehaved that day, my dinner was a salad made entirely out of iceberg lettuce, with water on top instead of dressing. It was like cabbage soup without the dignity.
”

“I’m half naked. The question is not, Am I getting dressed or undressed? the question is, Am I a half-noble savage, or a half-ignoble savage?”

“I am Fried Quiero Loud Babcock (not bad cock), and I am here for the ranch dressing your father promised my father, 53 years ago. Kindly pour some on my salad and I’ll be on my way.”

“I'm really going to freak out if I don't get into Histrionics 101. And if I get in, I'll also freak out.”

“I don’t dress like I have any money. And I don’t have any money, which helps enable me to dress like that.”