“I don’t like tit for tat. I like tit for tit. Bring on the boobies!”

“Messages written across the chest of women’s t-shirts are great, because I can stare at their tits like they are literature.”

“Inappropriate interview question #13: Can I call you Kitten Tits?”

“She walked by and I said, Nice shirt. What I really meant was, Nice tits.”

“It was one-way glass, and I was on the inside and she was on the outside. She was looking at me with the confidence of a woman who knows she won’t be scrutinized for scrutinizing me, and I was looking at her like I normally look at myself—though she probably thought I was staring at her breasts. Well, can you blame me? I had a stain on my shirt—and she had great tits.”

“I'm not really crazy about all this tit-for-tat stuff. I'm always asked to be the one to first give up the tit.”

“To some dogs I don’t like cats, to some cats I don’t like dogs, and to some people I don’t like. Mostly the people I don’t like are lawyers, lobbyists, and politicians.”