“I don’t sleep on the left side of the bed, or the right side, because there is a third option: to not sleep. After all, sleep is like death. Ah, but that’s life, no?”

“I don’t sleep naked, because that’s not proper beach etiquette.”

“Some people sleep their lives away. But I also want to sleep death away. If I sleep long enough, maybe death will think I’m already dead and pass me by.”

“Is the only reason you get out of bed because you can’t sleep anymore? I’m like that sometimes.”

“Sunday nights I get about two inches of sleep. But I make do, because that’s all the erection I can muster.”

“Women won’t sleep with me for the same reason that I don’t pay for sex—I don’t have any money. And if I did have money, I wouldn’t pay for sex, because women would sleep with me for free.”

“I’d say if you’re using an avocado facial mask before you go to sleep, don’t complain when I want to bring tortilla chips to bed.”