“I don't think any man could solve the world's problems overnight, myself included. You'd better give me at least two days.”

“The only thing better than word of mouth is words of mouth. Give me at least two words.”

“A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don't actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children than all the Federal government agencies combined.
”

“A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included.”

“I have two problems with hard labor: hard and labor. I prefer soft, and I’d prefer not giving birth.”

“A clone would make a great birthday gift, because it’s the only gift that keeps on giving. At least it’d better give me a birthday present every year. It owes its life to me.”

“If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you’ve never dreamed of and never wanted.”