“I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more bleach and keep scrubbing the screen.”

“More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement.”

“My wife told me she’d meet me at the mall, and I said, “Don’t be silly. We’ve already met. What, do you think I’d marry a stranger?”

“I’d like to let another person reveal my personality, and I’d like this person to be my clone. My clone would see me from the inside, as well as the outside.”

“A brick could be used as a puzzle. See if you can correctly add up the number of sides. If you keep getting the number seven, try consulting a psychologist—or a numerologist. Incidentally, I just so happen to be the latter, so feel free to give me a call. But don’t feel too free, because my services are most certainly not free.
”

“I called to tell her I loved her, which was smart, because if I’d have done it in person, I’d have caught her with another man. I don’t care if he was my clone, it isn’t right and it pisses me off. I was backstabbed by myself.
”

“My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.”