“I don’t understand people who eat Chinese food with chopsticks when the restaurant also offers silverware. As a tool, chopsticks are inferior to western utensils like the spoon and fork. So why use them? That’s like showing up to a math test with an abacus, knowing that the teacher is going to be handing out calculators.”

“Some men eat dinner with silverware. Some use chopsticks. I prefer zippers.”

“If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks”--only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks.”

“Though I can and sometimes do use chopsticks, I much prefer using my hands to pee.”

“I like to spoon after I fork.”

“I like to get to-go boxes at restaurants where not only did I not eat in, but apparently their patrons didn’t either, judging by how much food they left on their plates.”

“When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because you know who also doesn’t read? My cat. In essence, these people are pitiful, and no better than pets.”