“I don't want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.”

“I want to leave a legacy. I'll leave him in the trunk, tied up, at a parking garage on the campus of the university where he graduated.”

“I tie my smile like a shoelace.”

“Most men want sex, without the kids or commitment. I want sex, but I don’t want to have to pay any money. But is that possible? I should invent a vending machine that dispenses sex. I guess it’ll also distribute political favors.”

“A tie is like an arrow pointing to my crotch. A tie is also like an even score.”

“My closet’s so full of memories and fearful homosexuals that I have nowhere to hang my clothes. Well, that and I don’t know how to tie a noose. I’m making meatloaf on a stick if you want to come over later and help me prosecute my entire wardrobe.”

“A tie is a win for more than one person. But a tie is also a loss equally shared by two or more people.
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