“I don’t want to bring it up, but you do live on the top floor and the elevator’s broken. So that’s why I don’t want to bring it up.”

“I want to bring as much love into the world as I can. Where am I bringing it from? I’m going to bring it up from hell.”

“I’d say if you’re using an avocado facial mask before you go to sleep, don’t complain when I want to bring tortilla chips to bed.”

“-I have this friend—you don’t know him—but—
-Is his name Molloway?
-No.
-Oh. I don’t know anybody named Molloway, so that’s why I was asking.”

“A brick is like fruitcake. You don’t want to use it up all at once, and in fact, you don’t want to use it up at all. Well, if you won’t use it, then give it to someone who will. Every other Christmas I get the gift of fruitcake—and I think it’s the same loaf that I gave to that person the year before.
”

“Try my all-you-can-eat vomit soup. Sadly, people don’t want seconds, because they don’t even want firsts. But it tastes great. I tasted it on the way down—and then again on the way up.”

“I want to go to the Olympics. But I don’t want to train, so who’s going to buy me a ticket? I also don’t want to ride on a train, so airfare should be included.”