“I don’t want to ever see her again, because I want to always remember her as she was—young and beautiful. She won't remember, because she was 88 when we met and suffering from dementia.”

“I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead when you weren’t looking.”

“I asked her if she’d give me all her love, and she flatly said no. I got excited because while she said she wouldn’t give me all her love, she said nothing about not wanting to give me some of her love.”

“I met my girlfriend at a bar. But I broke up with her because she was already there, hitting on another guy.”

“She had breasts that sagged to her knees. But that's ok, because when it got cold, I could see her nipples through her kneepads.”

“I met a man named Birthday. I didn’t tell him when I was born, because I thought that that one day in my life, a day I don’t even remember, might define his own identity, and I didn’t want to make him cry.”

“She loves me. She must, because she left flowers in the fridge from her date. She knows how I love flower salad.”