“I drink screwdrivers because they help me unwind.”

“I unwind with wine—or a few counter clockwise turns.”

“I’d hate to be forced to drink my own vomit without throwing up, because what if they made me drink that too?”

“You drink wine by the glass, and I drink wine by the trashcan. Seriously, I’ll be by the trashcan if you need me.”

“I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.”

“I took a shower under a fountain drink machine at a gas station because it beats showering with unleaded gasoline at $3.33 a gallon and rising.”

“In a victory speech, I like to thank the opposition, because without their help, I couldn’t have won.”