“I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.”

“I’m not getting fat and lazy. I’ve always been lazy. C’mon, I’m American!”

“Life isn’t so bad. I’m not fat (unless you’re Gandhi), I’m not short (unless you’re Goliath), and I’m not ugly (unless you’re James Dean).”

“I feel like my old self. Especially since I feel like I’m developing dementia.”

“I got fat, and I decided to do something about it, so I got fatter.”

“I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I can’t go anywhere. Maybe I’ll try to coax my cat off my lap so I can get up and move.”

“Don’t make me weight, as I’m skinny on time.”