“I gave her a Boston cream pie, even though we were in Seattle at the time.”

“She gave me her bedroom eyes. I know because we were in the kitchen at the time. I hope we’re having pigs in a blanket. Yum!”

“She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla ice cream.”

“I recognized Rebecca immediately, though it is doubtful whether I registered on her radar. We had a graphic design class together. I always wanted to sit next to her, but the iMacs on either side of her seat were always snatched by two Justin Bieber clones before I even managed to Usher myself into class.”

“We were in love. When I say we, I don’t mean her and I. I mean me and my clone were in love with her. But she didn’t even know I existed, just as I didn’t know my clone existed. I still don’t know he exists.”

“Even though I knew she needed to get something off her chest, I was hoping it wasn’t her big, beautiful breasts.”

“Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers were so sad they all pitched in and bought me a one-way ticket to Seattle, and a bottle of cyanide in case I get thirsty.”