“I gave her a broken watch, to symbolize that my love for her is forever and timeless. And as an excuse to why I’m always late.”

“The cute girl at the bar asked for my number. I told her I’m number one. Then I gave her the area code and the following seven digits.”

“Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going to be a father!”

“My mom gave me life, so I gave her batteries. AA batteries.”

“Somebody knocked, and I’m glad it wasn’t her. I mean I want her to come, but I thought it was him, so I ignored the knock and that’s why I’m glad it wasn’t her. I wouldn’t want to have ignored the very person I wanted to show up.”

“I feel like I’m late for love. I’ll be 30 in March. Damn it! I knew I should have set my alarm clock.”

“I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by dinner I mean marry her.”