“I got hit on at the bar last night, and this morning I have a black eye. Sometimes you can be so sexy that you offend, I guess.”

“I had a dream about you last night. We started a shoe company, and a competitor (probably someone from Nike) attacked you, so I had to stab them in the throat with a shoelace. I guess it would have been better to use that shoelace to strangle them. 
”

“I saw her at the party last Saturday. I could tell by her body language that she wanted me. She was wearing a shirt that said, “I want you Jarod.” I left alone that night. Come Sunday morning, I found out that she went home with Jarod Wheedlebreeder. I guess the bonds of Jarod aren’t as tight as I thought.”

“I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf clover.”

“I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks.”

“I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back. I got rejected immediately.”

“I sometimes lie awake at night wishing I had all the answers. But I guess only God has all of them, while I only have one answer: I do. Now I just have to wait for the perfect question to use it on.”