“I got my spring cleaning done early this year. I did it over the summer.”

“I made art out of all the phone numbers on napkins I’ve had over the years. So it was just one napkin, and I wiped my mouth with it after I was done.”

“Not only did I not get it done, but I’m over budget too. I’m like a politician.”

“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.”

“As early as 1,000 BC, man had to wait nearly 3,000 years to talk to me. And my first words to the world right out of the womb were: “Love is timeless, but man is not. I think I’m early.” It’s true. I was a premature baby. I was born generations before my time.”

“I would answer the door for the pizza delivery guy wearing my birthday suit, but it had cake all over it so I sent it to be dry cleaned.”

“I invited my girlfriend over and made her dinner. I didn’t cook, but I did eat her.”