“I got my windshield replaced for no apparent reason. So now I have a new windshield that looks exactly like my old one, only cleaner.”

“Respect is something that should be earned, like eyebrows shaped like windshield wipers in a stormy arcade evening. I like my respect with lots of elbow room and melted cheese on top.”

“My heart beats to the rhythm of the windshield wipers. I’d better never drive in the desert, unless I want to die. Our relationship has one too many cactuses in it to be deserving of my love.”

“I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller.”

“A brick makes an excellent window cleaner, if you throw it hard enough. Before you know it, your window will look so clean you’d think it had been replaced with a new one.
”

“A car is a couch with wheels. My windshield wipers don’t work, so I’ve decided to stop watering my living room carpet. Honk if you want coffee, and I’ll pour you an umbrellaful.”

“Not only will my kids be out to replace me, but so will all my clones. Makes me feel so disposable, like a plastic spoon.”