“I guess I should be thankful. Full of thank. But what is thank? I can't eat thank, so I know my stomach isn't full of thank. I can't smell or breathe thank, so I know my lungs aren't full of thank. I'm not even sure how much thank I could fit in the trunk of my car. But I do know one thing. It's much easier to give thanks than something that actually costs money to give.”

“My wallet isn’t empty—it’s full of hope. Thanks, Obama!”

“Sometimes I give automated responses to people without even listening to what they say. For example, someone might tell me, “Enjoy the movie,” and I’ll say, “Thanks, you too.” Or, someone will say, “Enjoy your meal,” and I’ll reply, “Thanks, I wish I were eating your pussy.”

“My couch is coffee-colored. I can thank Starbucks and clumsiness for that.”

“A peaceful wave came over me, and I thought, Thank God I’m holding my breath.”

“dear god, whose name i do not know. thank you for my life. i forgot... how BIG... thank you. thank you for my life.”

“She told me she loved me. Most men wouldn’t know how to respond, but I did. What else could I say but, “Thanks, Grandma!”