“I had a dream I took the form of Chuck Norris and kicked your ass. Then I impregnated you from across the room.”

“I had a few good professors in my painting and drawing classes, but all my graphic design classes tried to teach us how to use Photoshop and Illistrator by showing the class demonstration video clips. You know, exactly like the kind you can watch for free on Youtube, except these video clips cost me thousands of dollars to watch. I felt like I paid a lot of money to learn martial arts, only to show up to find the instructor is fat, sluggish, and cowardly, and he tries to overcome that by trying to teach us how to fight by showing us Chuck Norris movies. (Fact: Chuck Norris could teach me how to fight without even bothering to show up to class).”

“I could be the man of your dreams. I could also be the alarm clock, stealing you away from the man of your dreams.”

“If my semen had chunks of crumbled brick in it, would you use yogurt to try to impregnate your fireplace? 
”

“I saw her standing across the room, and I thought, “Wow! Who is that sexy woman she’s standing next to?”

“He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, I took him to a party.”

“I had a dream about you last night. We started a shoe company, and a competitor (probably someone from Nike) attacked you, so I had to stab them in the throat with a shoelace. I guess it would have been better to use that shoelace to strangle them. 
”