“I had no direction until I merged into the left lane. Some people find God. I found my blinker.”

“My body had some sort of reaction to my erection, and the only thing I could think to do was vigorously rub the affected area. By the look on their faces, I could tell the other people in the restaurant found my holistic technique horrifying, and they didn’t appreciate the grasp of the situation I held at that moment.”

“My life was unbalanced. That is, until I found love and grew a second leg.”

“I poured a compass into my coffee, to give the flavor some direction.”

“Much to my delight, I found her panties to be full of mashed potatoes—but I had to supply all the gravy.”

“After I speak, my words merge with the wind, and if you’re listening, your ears act like sails and carry the conversation.”

“I had an out-of-body experience so strange that it felt normal. You see, my soul, or essence, had left my body and went and inhabited the body of my clone. So I wasn’t in my body, and yet I was. Or maybe none of that happened, and I was just in a delirious, sleep-deprived state.”