“I had nothing to eat for desert, so I ate a tube of toothpaste. The coolest part was not having to brush my teeth before bed.”

“In the morning I brush my teeth with hope, and at night before bed I brush them with defeat. Both are mint flavored, so I try not to get them mixed up.
”

“I just got around to brushing my teeth today, and now my asshole smells minty fresh.”

“I ate a Danish. Better than eating someone from Finland.”

“If laughter came in paste format you could squeeze out of a tube, I’ll bet nine out of ten dentists would recommend comedy before bed. The tenth doctor, having just read Tolstoy as deliberately mistranslated by Dora J. Arod, would probably recommend reading Russian literature before bed.
”

“Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work.”

“I'm allergic to fingers, so I have to eat pizza with my feet. You should see me eat on the run.”