“I had to quit my taxi cab driving job because I had no way to get to work. The problem was I kept calling myself to come pick me up.”

“I fell in love, but she wasn’t there to pick me up. So I took a taxi.”

“In high school they called me “Pizza Face.” Not because I had bad acne, though I did, but because I always wore pepperoni and mushrooms on my face.”

“If I give you an historical reference, am I dating myself? No, because the only way I could date myself is if I had a clone—and he was gay.”

“I had to close the door on our friendship, because he kept climbing in through my window.”

“I asked myself a question, but I wouldn’t answer, because it was too personal. I wish I had a clone, so he could answer for me.”

“I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.”