“I had to sell my cigarette boat, for fear it would cause cancer.”

“I have a cigarette for a penis. Except when I get sexually aroused it turns into a cigar. Would you care to hold my lighter?”

“Fear is healthy. I wish it came in a pill. I'd bottle it up and sell it to little children and the elderly.”

“If you could buy time, I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive, and tomorrow would be cheap.”

“I lit my loneliness on fire like it was a cigarette. But I didn’t smoke it, because that would have required me to remove my gas mask. And what kind of sensible girl is going to be attracted to a guy out in public not wearing his gas mask?”

“The office is painted with green and red stripes. It’s not painted that way so my mom can experience Christmas 364 more days a year. It represents the stock market, with green symbolizing greed, and red representing fear. Buy when the masses are fearful, and sell when the population is greedy.”

“I need to condense my adrenaline, carbonate it, sweeten it, and sell it as an energy drink.”