“I had to stop selling stick-figure portraits of women at the beach, after too many customers complained I was making them look “too fat.”

“Sometimes I put on a black scuba suit and go walking on the beach, to relax. If I could, I’d sleep in a scuba suit—on a waterbed. Not that I actually ever get in the ocean. Too many dangerous things in the water, like barracudas, sharks, and of course there are many lawyers here on the east coast.”

“I think the best punishment for a misbehaving child is to strap them to a chair and make them listen to Lady Gaga. Actually, perhaps that’s too cruel, too close to torture.”

“Too many men have died in the name of old age. I know, because my grandmother was one of them.”

“I’m glad I don’t have any foreskin, because at a nude beach I’d feel overdressed. (It’d be the only time I could feel overdressed by showing too much skin).”

“The task may be simple for me, but if I make it look too easy, you won’t appreciate it as much as if I pretend to struggle to help you out. 
”

“I drew a self-portrait of myself, drawn with my eyes closed from a memory someone else may or may not have had of me. After I drew it I made the remark, "Gee, I guess someone thinks I am a dog.”