“I hate the phrase “Shit or get off the pot,” because I rarely cook with feces.”

“There’s a faint whiff of feces wafting up my nostrils. But that’s natural, because I just walked past a politician.”

“A brick could be used as a substitute for the steak my mother-in-law just cooked me. And I asked for medium rare. I wonder what well done would taste and chew like.
”

“I shit bricks, because I’m a constructive pooper.
”

“I eat bar soap raw, because if you try cooking it, it disappears. The soap turns into soup.”

“Cats are like mushrooms, only you'll rarely ever hear me scream, "Get off my pizza!" to a pack of mushrooms.”

“It’s just a dream, I told myself. I hate when I dream of alarm clocks going off.”