“I have a beard of grass. I grew it on my back, and sometimes my neighbor mows it for me. Meow!”

“If beards flowed like rivers, then I’d stop shaving my facial St. John’s, and I’d have one of the few major beards in the world that grew north.”

“I enjoy scratching itches on my body with my beard stubble. The worst though is when my lower back itches.”

“I have a rating system I apply to all people. Mao Zedong might have a Meow Factor of four, but I like to keep my Meow Factor as close to zero as I can. This system is not to be confused with my HV methodology, where I assign myself a Hooray Value of five.”

“A brick could be used to double back, donkey levitate cough meow cough meow hiss on giraffe shaft stroke a local bloke bludgeon Armageddon—not my arm, Sorry, I think I just had a stroke.
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“My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.”

“I collect hair. I keep most of it on my floor, but my most valuable patches I display on the bodies of a few cats I have roaming my house like walking art displays that meow.”