“I have a bedroom rug that I feed. It’s not very flat, and it meows when I step on it.”

“I have three step brothers and one step sister. It’s like a staircase, and I am the slinky.”

“I have a rating system I apply to all people. Mao Zedong might have a Meow Factor of four, but I like to keep my Meow Factor as close to zero as I can. This system is not to be confused with my HV methodology, where I assign myself a Hooray Value of five.”

“I like to see cats tumble around, but I wish they wouldn’t meow so much when I shove them in the dryer.”

“I have a beard of grass. I grew it on my back, and sometimes my neighbor mows it for me. Meow!”

“When I describe love to an emotional Helen Keller, I usually say it has four legs, fur, and possesses the ability to either purr or meow.”

“I need your compliments to feed my ego, because it’s bored of mac and cheese. And honestly, so am I.”