“I have a cigarette for a penis. Except when I get sexually aroused it turns into a cigar. Would you care to hold my lighter?”

“Hey, I stopped smoking cigarettes. Isn't that something? I'm on to cigars now. I'm on to a five-year plan. I eliminated cigarettes, then I go to cigars, then I go to pipes, then I go to chewing tobacco, then I'm on to that nicotine gum”

“A blanket could be used to settle disputes. Hold my penis while I demonstrate how it would work. 
”

“If it were possible to raise the penis by means of a simple command, then sexual excitement would have no place in the world.”

“I bow my head submissively and see that my chest is heaving, already dotted with the telltale flush of sexual arousal.”

“And you can just stop that right now, too." "Stop what?" "That," Io pointed at his crotch, "You're getting all bulgy, and I resent your penis's implication that I'm doing something to arouse you. Unless you're some sort of weirdo who gets off by women saying the word 'penis' which is frankly kinda sad.”