“I have a handicap on the golf course like you wouldn’t believe. It’s more than a limp, and less than a wheelchair.”

“I don’t understand why you don’t trust me. It’s not like you have a reason to not trust me. So, lend me some money, and let me give you the reason you were looking for to not trust me. Wouldn’t you rather be proved right than not lose money?”

“You may have to dish out more love than me, but I have more love to dish out. Also, it’s your turn to wash dishes.”

“It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless—you are clueless.”

“I have a problem. I wouldn’t say I’m in a pickle. More like a vinegarized cucumber.”

“As the sound a duck makes, I feel qualified to give medical advice. My wisdom will cost you some bread, but it’s got less mayonnaise than the medical community.”

“I think you’re funny, and the toilet sounds like a soda can opening when it flushes. It’s a diet soda, so it’s less filling and more fattening.”