“I have a mustache like a squirrel and you just ran over my face.”

“Right now I have a milk mustache. I grew it on a cattle ranch, and then glued it to my face.”

“I'll tell you how the sun rose, a ribbon at a time.The steeples swam in amethyst, The news like squirrels ran. The hills untied their bonnets,The bobolinks begun.Then I said softly to myself,"That must have been the sun!”

“I have half a mustache. It was a gift from my father, who bought one with a Buy One Mustache, Get One Half Off deal. So he kept the full mustache, and gave me the half stache. It looks more like an eyebrow than a mustache.”

“I shaved my lady mustache (ladystache) off with my roommate's gay razor (it's a gay razor because it's his razor and he's gay) and now I have man-stubble on my upper lip. Then to make it just a tiny bit sexier I broke out where I shaved. So now I have an acne mustache. I should have left it alone. Like I do with the beard. The Korean ladies at the nail place were right. "You too much hair. You do mustache and arms and chin and back and neck. Please. Too much hair, lady-man.”

“I’m like Twain, Nietzsche, and Dali in that I have three mustaches. (I have two of them disguised as eyebrows). Women love men like me, like my clones.”