“I have a pet frog. He sleeps in a king-sized bed, just in case he happens to be an undercover prince.”

“I gave him a pet name, even though he wasn’t my pet, he was my boss. I don’t know why he fired me. I thought “Dick Nose” was a delightfully cute name.”

“Somebody needs to pet me, and I guess that somebody is me. My cat is busy sleeping.”

“He doesn’t have sex with sheep—he sleeps with scapegoats. He is my father, and I haven’t seen him since before I was born.”

“A fish called Gilbert. But I just call him Gil to save some breath, so I can spend more time underwater petting him like I used to do to grandpa before he drowned.”

“He said he thinks he’s God, and I said, In that case, I’m an atheist.”

“I have so many pet peeves that I can’t even pet them all. And damn I wish they were furry.”