“I have a problem. I wouldn’t say I’m in a pickle. More like a vinegarized cucumber.”

“If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. But as far as I know, the problem didn’t exist before I opened the hood. So did I cause the problem by becoming aware of it, or was it already there regardless of my ignorance?”

“Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends on what I’m wearing.”

“I threw out my sausage, and replaced it with a healthier penis metaphor, like a cucumber.”

“I have a handicap on the golf course like you wouldn’t believe. It’s more than a limp, and less than a wheelchair.”

“During conversation, I have no problem making eye contact—with myself in the mirror. Or with my clone, if he’s not rolling his eyes because he knows what I’m going to say.”

“The world needs more laws. I say this only because I believe the world needs more lawyers. If everybody was a lawyer, there’d be no unemployment, because the economy would be like a great lawsuit factory. Farmers in this utopia wouldn’t raise crops, they’d raise suspicion.”