“I have a rough marriage. It feels like sandpaper, only not as soft and gentle on the anus.”

“A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough.
”

“I gave blood today. It came gushing out of my nose. And anus.”

“I make love like a half an hour minus 27 minutes. If you’re as bad in bed as I am in math, that’s roughly four minutes. And I do mean rough.”

“Don’t try blowing smoke up my ass, because you’ll find my anus blocked—by a cigar.”

“Flatulence is the international language. Speak it with your anus. Hear it through your ears. Listen through your nose.”

“While getting a haircut, I thought about my failed marriage. Instead of feeling bad, I thought I’d grow a beard, move to the mountains, and start over.”