“I have about as much practice sleeping as everyone else, though I’d like to have more.”

“I just realized my reality, and I’d like to say No Thanks. I’m going back to sleep.”

“If I knew everything, life would be lonely, as everyone else would want to explore the world, and I’d be content with a cat on my lap sitting in the dark. 
”

“People ask me all the time, “Jarod, how come you are so much more romantic than anybody else?” And I say, “Simple. I have brains, heart, courage, and most importantly, I have ruby red slippers.”

“Speaking of grandmas, have you heard the joke about grandparents and WWII? No? Well, if you do, be sure to tell me because I’d like to hear it too.”

“I’d like to write a screenplay about my grandpa, and I’d like my future grandson to play the part. Talk about a mindfuck!”

“Woman, I could drown in your love, but I’d much rather be strangled. More passionate, don’t you agree?”