“I have all the things I need to succeed in life, including a bucket of unicorn urine.”

“I sell black markers on the black market. I am personally responsible for 50% of all truck stop urinal poetry.”

“I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase full of spoons and a bucket of soy sauce.”

“It’s not that I don’t have the drive to succeed, but rather I don’t have the gas.”

“I may not be a horse whisperer, but I certainly can and do shout at unicorns.”

“I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the funniest drink ever.”

“Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?”