“I have bread, water, and love—what more can a man ask for? How about pasta, wine, and sex.”

“In a lot of ways I am like a duck. I love the water; I have large, web-like feet; and I could never kill a man, unless that man tasted like soggy bread and I decided to eat him.”

“An elephant walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you?” The elephant replies, “Sex on the beach, please.” To which the bartender responds, “Sorry, but I’m afraid your penis is too big for me.” “That’s no problem,” the elephant says as he smiles, “how about a double shot of Don’t worry, I brought a few gallons of anal lube.”

“She asked me if I wanted to have sex, and I replied, “With you, or in general?”

“A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket and turn wine into water.
”

“Question for your life: If Ted Kennedy made it to heaven, do you think he’s pleased with the fact that Jesus can turn water into wine?”

“I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.”