“I have extremely great aim when it comes to peeing. I can, for instance, manage to not splash a single drop on the rim of the toilet, even when standing five feet away and from behind the shower curtain.”

“I put the “sing” in single. But only when I’m in the shower.”

“I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a handshake, I drop down like I’m doing pushups, and extend my right hand. It’s friendly, but it lets them know I’m into boundaries. And unless they’re a cartographer, they have to be made aware of this fact.”

“I wouldn't mind showering in the rain, if there weren't so many naked men holding umbrellas standing behind me. Who invited Congress?”

“I have no auditory depth perception. She said, “I love you,” and I couldn’t even tell if she was 300 miles away, or 6 feet below my feet and 300 years away.”

“A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present. 
”

“In five years I want to go equally as far as I have come in the last five years. No, farther. Five years ago I embarked on a journey that led me to this point, so five years from now I’d like to be six years older.”