“I have seen the deadly effects of love first hand, and I have seen them with my second hand (the left one).”

“My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.”

“There are few things in this world I have left to hang on to, and one of them is my ball sack.”

“I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I had seven fingers, I could count on them, but I still wouldn’t be able to count on my friends.”

“I celebrate my birthday in ways not seen this side of the Old Testament. I celebrate my life like the Dead Sea, and my party is a BYOP (bring your own plague) event.”

“After being videotaped, I found that I talk a lot with my hands. Especially if my hands are covered with socks. I guess I get really nervous on first dates.”

“He doesn’t have sex with sheep—he sleeps with scapegoats. He is my father, and I haven’t seen him since before I was born.”