“I have the worst kind of history—a non history. I wasn’t born poor, oppressed, rich, famous, or any other such extreme. I was born in the middle, and I desperately want to hide it.”

“Love is patient and love is kind. Damn! Why’d it have to be the two qualities I wasn’t born with?”

“I haven’t the faintest idea how babies are born, probably because I fainted on the day I was born.”

“My birthday is coming up. I was born on March 5th, 1982. Humans have come a long way since then—nearly 30 years, if my math is good. And my math better be good, because if my math’s no good, what’s that leave? I mean aside from English, art, science, social studies, history, geography, P.E., recess, and of course, lunch.
”

“Sometimes I wish I had been born with cat fur, whiskers, and a tail, though I guess I am grateful that at least I was born with my very own litter box.”

“The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays.”

“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born on the exact day of my birthday. And I wasn’t even trying, though my mother did push me along a bit.”