“I have three sets of humor. One I keep in a bag of salt, because it’s the dry one.
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“I have three step brothers and one step sister. It’s like a staircase, and I am the slinky.”

“I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42.”

“I’ll watch the Final Four when there are three teams playing at once for two titles and one large bag of regrets. That bag is mostly full of air, like a bag of potato chips, only harder to chew.”

“I take humor very seriously. I also take it three times a day, with meals.”

“I make love alone, because it’s one person faster than two.”

“If it’s not one thing, it’s another. The other thing is, of course, two. That makes the one thing love, because two is the smallest number you can have to get the one.”